Now that it is summertime I am the only one waking up early in my house. Soon after I awaken I spend a little time doing what I want before I am off to work.  I tend to my flowers, watering them and enjoying the morning sounds with birds singing and the sun just up for a new day. When I water my flowers I pray, I meditate and I daydream.

I remember summers as a child. In honor of my childhood thoughts I created a wish list. Some wishes are playful and some are deep from my heart.

I wish…

•  I could hear Nolan’s laugh
• I had a time machine
• I didn’t have to welcome another grieving parent to a support group on FB or in person at Compassionate Friends.  It is sad there are so many of us. 
• I didn’t cry everyday
• I didn’t have baggy tired eyes from the daily crying
• I didn’t have to sometimes wear a mask to work
• Sam could have his brother back 
• I could be as joyful and happy as I know Nolan and my  loved ones are in heaven
  I will keep tending to my flowers.   I continue praying, meditating and dreaming….. 

Back when we were kids my mom used to take us girls to the Ginko room for lunch at the Morton Arboretum. This outdoor museum is in Lisle, Illinois. Many of my childhood friends remember this place since it is just minutes from where we grew up.

Recently my sister Angela and I visited the arboretum. It was near Mother’s Day and I wanted to see things that reminded me of her. Our mom passed away more that seven years ago.  Angela and I  spent that perfect spring day attending a Forest Bathing class at the Arboretum.

What the heck is that?

If you want to find a way to destress and get a dose of fresh air and maybe some Vit D from that big bright ball in the sky that we in the Midwest really miss in the winter months – then consider trying it.  It was not tree hugging – although I guess you could do that if you want.

Our guide took the group of 12 of us on a three hour journey experiencing the forest with our senses. Forest Bathing – or shinrin-yoku- provides natural relaxation experiencing trees and nature.

 

According to a study sponsored by the Environmental Protection Agency, the average American spends 93% of his or her time indoors. Way way too much indoor time.

So why am I telling you about Forest Bathing?

As I have mentioned grief wears me out. Spending time outdoors resets my mind, recharges my body and enriches me.

This is why I love running outside !!  Do you love the smell in the air after a gentle rain? Do you like camping or hiking? Or maybe it is not the forest – maybe the beach is your connection.

If you can’t hang out in a forest for hours once a week (I know I can’t find that time) try and get small doses of the outdoors. Go for a walk. Or run. Ride a bike. Sit out on your back porch. Climb a dune or lay on the beach.

Please take this advice from me.

Love,

Lisa (AKA- sister, friend, kid’s doctor, Angel mom, Nolan’s mom )

If you are interested in more info in Forest Bathing here is a good article:

http://time.com/5259602/japanese-forest-bathing/

Grief does a number on your body.

Not only do you feel your brain is muddled and confused and you replay past memories – both good and bad and over think your should-haves and could-haves- — your body suffers with grief.

Research on grief and its physical effects shows that grief can lower your immune system. And grief in the immediate days of onset can place stress on your heart.

I feel like I have aged double time since Nolan died.

I am so tired. Wiped. Yes I can do my job and do it very well (thank you compartmentalization) – but when I come home many nights I am spent.

Some days it takes a lot of energy to come out of my house of grief.

This past winter my immune system was challenged at work and I was sick much more than seasons past. Do I have an office full of cute beautiful germ holders!

Last week I caught a GI bug. It wiped me good. But as a good pediatric doctor since I did not have a fever and was not vomiting I came to work. I had almost an hour of violent chills in the middle of the night. That was a good time to work on my deep breathing. Do you remember the last time you had the chills? I mean your whole body shaking uncontrollably.

That hour I prayed to God that it would stop. I knew it eventually would but I still prayed to God for relief and strength.

Since I was up – of course –  I thought about Nolan. Did he feel helpless with his illness like I felt helpless with my horrible chills?

Did he ever pray to God for his healing? For strength?

I don’t know.

He told me he did not believe in God. Did he believe but then give up?

So many questions. But I know one thing…

I know he is in heaven. He is at peace. He is with my mom and dad and others who have passed. How do I know?

That is for another blog entry… and let me tell you, knowing what I do is sometimes the only thing that keeps me getting up in the morning.

I usually sleep well, but sometimes I wake up and am still so tired………..

Birthdays- such happy occasions.

Unless you can’t celebrate them.

On May 28 Nolan turned 21.

It should have been a huge day to celebrate.

But instead I had my usual very hard days of heavy grief before what would have been a special one as Nolan’s mom.

 

 

I am too tired to write in my own words what I am thinking and feeling this week – so  instead I will have others say it for me.

 

Empty

Do not tell me I am strong
You only see my days
Filled with details and work

You have never shared my nights
Long evenings empty
Except for memories and tears

My despair is sacrificed
to responsibility
You would be strong too
If you had no other choice

— Kim Knapp

We march on in time. I am thankful this big grief wave has to end sometime and I see some respite coming.

THIS POST IS BACK FROM 2018 – FOUR YEARS AGO. I FEEL IT NEEDS TO BE READ AGAIN. 

Another school shooting. When the Valentine’s Day school shooting at Parkland Florida happened I was mad. Mad that school shootings are still happening. Now on May 18 ten more families are with the nightmare of a violent loss of their loved one. Eight families are going to bury their child.

I am part of a club where we do not want new members. We welcome them and walk with them now in their grief. But I don’t want any parent to have visit their child at their gravesite. The pain and sadness is unbearable.

Violence.

We are living in a world where violence is the norm.

As a senior pediatric resident I completed my final year with a presentation. I chose the topic of violence. Back then Power Point was a fresh computer tool. I used it to present slides of the grim statistics of youth and violence. It was 1996. My discussion was on domestic and gang violence and the impact of exposure to violence.  I showed a video of kids who have lost their lives due to violence. It disturbed many in the audience.

So when I see the media compile photos of  the victims of school shootings – as this one from Parkland, I remember the faces I showed back in 1996.

So many people, so many young lives.

On May 18 a town in Texas – as ANY place in the US – was thrust into the chaos and trauma of a mass shooting at a school.

On May 18 my son Sam turned 16. His school like all now practice active shooter drills. I wonder what he and others his age think about their world and their future. That at any time they could be shot at. And lose friends and teachers. Or be gone themselves. One of the students at the recent shooting said she was not surprised. She thought it could happen there – and it did.

I did a little research. The last 12 months of my residency,  from June 1995- June 1996,  there were 6 school shootings leaving 10 dead and 4 injured.

Jump to the last 12 months – we have had 25 school shootings with 39 dead and 84 injured. 

I am tired. I am sad. I wish I could be mad. May is a hard month for me.

I pray for the families and friends who will bury their loved ones, their children.

The grieving parent club is growing.

ADDENDUM- 5/24/2022

Today 14 children – age second to fourth graders – and a teacher – lost their lives in a mass school shooting in Texas.

The Gun Violence Archive, an independent data collection organization, has counted 212 mass shootings that have occurred so far this year.

I have no hope things are going to change. It is a sad state. I am more overwhelmed with sadness than anger.

It has been 19 months since Nolan took his life.

My grief has changed over this short time.

I used to…

• look at a date before Nolan’s DOD and imagine I could go back in time and stop him from doing it
• pretend he was off to college and he was coming back
• replay the memory of the police and coroner coming to the door over and over in my head
• think it all was a bad dream or an altered world and I would wake up and he would be here
• think I was going crazy experiencing numerous emotions in a day, sometimes in an hour
• wonder why I am so exhausted
• miss him, but the shock of him being gone kept me numb

Now I….

• see a date before Nolan’s DOD and remember I cannot go back in time. My timeline is now divided by before 9/19/16 and after it
• know he is gone – he is never coming back
• avoid replaying the traumatic memories of his passing. They are too painful
• wake up and for a few seconds I forget he is gone. Then I remember
• know grief is your brain on an emotional rollercoaster
• know why I am always exhausted
• miss him more than I can ever express

 

Lately my grief is the emptiness of missing him. It aches.

It is heartache.

I don’t think much about the why these days. 

 

I just miss him.

I am looking forward to tonight.

It will be a night where I see students I know and many I do not.  I will be presenting a scholarship in memory of Nolan sponsored by the high school alumni association. This is the second year for the scholarship. I worked hard on last year’s presentation speech. This year’s speech will be very brief. But last year – it being the first – I wanted to talk a bit about Nolan.

Below is my presentation from last year.  I did minor edits for your reading today.

I wish I could tell the class of 2018 and every year to come what I say below…

 

I would like to address the students in this auditorium. 

My son Nolan walked your school’s hallways just 2 years ago. He graduated in 2015 and went to a well-known university studying a demanding curriculum just like many of you are planning to do. He was well prepared academically. However he had a secret he did not share with his family and even his closest friends.

Nolan had depression and anxiety.

He hid his illness during high school – his jovial personality shown thru especially when he was with his friends. 

Like many parents I did not know my teenage son the way his friends knew him. Back when you are little – your parents could read you like a book!  But now you are a young adult. You are successfully finishing high school and see a future of possibilities. You have expectations of yourself. You feel invincible, but sometimes you have doubts.

Or other thoughts.

And sometimes you don’t think anyone will understand or care.

I know Nolan was figuring out who he was. I know you all are as well. Believe it or not your parents do not expect you to be perfect. Nor should you expect perfection of yourself. Your parents love you – even if you drive them crazy- they love you no matter what.

During your introduction days before your freshman year you will learn about your school’s support services. This is important to hear – these services are there for YOU. They recognize the stress you are going to feel during your undergraduate studies.  Many of you are attending universities that provide great opportunity but also rank high in stress. The rate of suicides of college age students is rising.

12 people aged 15-24 years old take their life every day.

There is no reason to think you are alone. You are not. Your friends, family-  they know you can succeed. And sometimes you stumble and fail and need help. But you are never on your journey alone.

Nolan admitted he had an illness and was receiving treatment. And he was doing well.

But that is where our sorrow lies.

I wish I had advice for your parents today in how to find the balance between being the helicopter parent and giving you full autonomy.

Your parents cannot take full credit for your successes nor should they assume the fault of your mistakes. Mistakes are how you grow and learn. 

Higher education is the key your career success. Even with rising tuition costs the investment holds. With Nolan’s passing we wish to share our planned investment with his brothers and sisters of Crown Point High School for many years to come.

The recipient of this scholarship was chosen because they have the potential and strength that Nolan had. They show courage and appreciation of culture, two of the characteristics of your Portrait of a Graduate.  Just as Nolan helped his friends this person is a friend to another especially during a hard time……

I plan to keep in touch with each year’s recipient. At least during their first year in college.

Presenting the scholarship gives me hope.

And some days I don’t find hope easy.

 

 

It is not any more important of a day. It is not any harder. But it is a day for the bereaved mom to be remembered.

International Bereaved Mother’s Day was started by Carly Marie Dudly in Australia in 2010. It is one week before traditional Mother’s Day and is a day for any parent who has lost a child. This year it is next Sunday, May 6th. In particular it honors mothers who have lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or any pregnancy or infant loss.

I became aware of this day through my support friends of FB.

I have comfort knowing I am not alone. No mother who has lost a child is alone.

Unfortunately there are many of us. We are together in our loss.

Some of us lost the dream of having a child, of watching a baby become a child, or a child become an adult.

Losing an adult child is not any easier or harder.

You see – they all are losses… a piece of you is gone.

We all think about our missing child. Or children. We are never the same.

We may not cry daily but we miss our child every day. 

On this day I will remember these women. And I will give myself some grace.

I honor the strength it takes to continue on. 

 

 

There are times at work that I am asked how my kids are doing.  Not very often – but it just happened again this week.

Even though I practice in a small community not everyone knows that Nolan is gone.

I see now how much I shared of my personal life when I see families and they ask about my kids.

If I am not at work I can share my loss. I can be a grieving mom. I can describe the  heartbreak of losing your child when he was looking so good and told you he was feeling better with his illness.

So I try to be very brief in my answer. “They are good” “They are getting older.” But sometimes the parent asks for more details…Your oldest- how is college going for him? What year is here? Is he still at Purdue? That is when I feel lost.

Do I tell them the truth?

It is these times that I wish I had the courage to say Nolan is gone. But I cannot say this without breaking down and crying. It is so difficult. I feel like I am lying when I don’t tell them.  But how can I drop a bomb like that? The parent is making pleasantries. If I could share I would. But really I need to focus on the reason for the visit and not bring up my personal life and loss.

Some day I will be able to talk about Nolan’s passing and not cry. And I hate crying out in public.  This past February I was part of a panel for a MOPS group discussing child loss. I had to practice my intro:

“Hello – My name is Dr. Lisa Gold and I have two children. One is 15 years old and one is forever 19.”

It took me a week practicing to say this without breaking down and sobbing. But I did it. I cried a bit during the discussion but less than I expected I would.

 

Don’t get me wrong – I want to talk about Nolan. By talking about him I keep him close to me.

I would rather talk to someone about my good memories of him. His laugh. His smile. His love of his friends. I love hearing stories and memories about him.

This is better than telling a parent at my office that my son is gone and by suicide.

That is not what I want to remember of him.

 

 

 

 

I love to run.

 

Before you reply ugh – I hate running-– please let me tell you why.

I was NOT a runner until about 5 years ago. Running was the last thing I would think of doing. But my friend Janet was preparing for The Beast- a boot camp run – and she wanted someone to run with her in training. We did a walk run program and before long I could run a mile straight! Then 2 miles, then 3….

I would have SO much energy after my Sunday morning run. I mean so much. The adrenaline from running made me so productive.

We do 5k runs in the area. Trail runs, 10k’s, obstacle runs. Runs in 2 feet of snow, thru mud or deep trails in icy water in March, or in the heat and humidity of a Midwest summer. 

I say we because most of the time I run with someone or a group. We train together and talk. We talk a lot. So running is my way of connecting with my friends while taking time for myself and bonus! .. getting the cardio I need.

I love runs where I can cheer other people on. All finishers are celebrated. All kinds of people of all ages run. The fastest, the slowest… if you came and ran you accomplished something.

Before Nolan passed I did a lot of training for long runs. When I ran by myself I would think. I understand I was practicing a form of active meditation. The longer the run the more time you have to think right? I talked to God a lot during these training sessions.

We did the Indy Mini (half marathon) the last two years. One was pre-Nolan passing and the other post. The second one I REALLY talked to God a lot. I was a little slower than the year before but I enjoyed it so much more. I took in the people, the scenery around me and mostly I appreciated how I felt.

Running a long distance is a mind game. Many times your body wants to walk or just quit.

But your mind is the master of your body. And your mind is guided by your spirit. 

I lasted all 13.1 miles. Only walked a short time at mile 11 to take off a layer of clothing. Did not even stop running thru the water stations.

This is my photo right before the finish. Look at my smile. I am smiling not only because I see the finish line but at that time I felt something.

I felt Nolan, my parents, my grandparents…. ALL my family and friends that have passed… I felt them pushing my legs and cheering me on. 

I wish I could describe how uplifting it was. I wish I could experience it again.

I don’t do long distance runs anymore – I am listening to my body and it tells me to keep going but not with long runs.

Just this past weekend I did two 5ks. (both rainy cold days – gotta love Midwest spring)  I am a bit slower, but moving with a purpose. Sometimes my mind is so tired from grief but I find if my body moves, maybe with a walk with a friend or a session of yoga.. I am rejuvenated.

I hope to keep running.