Happy birthday

Birthdays- such happy occasions.

Unless you can’t celebrate them.

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On May 28 Nolan turned 21.

It should have been a huge day to celebrate.

But instead I had my usual very hard days of heavy grief before what would have been a special one as Nolan’s mom.

 

 

I am too tired to write in my own words what I am thinking and feeling this week – so  instead I will have others say it for me.

 

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Empty

Do not tell me I am strong
You only see my days
Filled with details and work

You have never shared my nights
Long evenings empty
Except for memories and tears

My despair is sacrificed
to responsibility
You would be strong too
If you had no other choice

— Kim Knapp

We march on in time. I am thankful this big grief wave has to end sometime and I see some respite coming.

7 thoughts on “Happy birthday

  1. I can only imagine … my heart goes out to you in your pain and sorrow … nothing can be worse than losing a child. Losing my husband hurts like hell too. May God keep you in the palm of his hand.

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    1. Peace and love to you too. You are related to Dominice. I looked up to Dom when I was in high school and appreciate her friendship and love she shares with me on FB. My condolences to you and the loss of your husband.

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  2. Dr Gold I don’t know if you remember me but I had Nolan at St Mary’s CCD …Nolan was such a fun little guy..his smile lit up the room. I can’t imagine the pain of losing him, but I too have lost my husband a little over 2 years ago. It hurts like hell and we have to go on …we hide the tears and act like we are fine, but we are not. I have learned it takes time and sometimes I feel like I will grieve the rest of my life. As Father Pat told me ..” When you love hard you grieve hard “. I pray that you will continue finding your way and that God will ease your pain. Sending you much love !

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    1. Yes RoseAnn I remember you very well. My condolences to your loss. As you have read some people grieve who they were before the loss of their loved one. For some reason I don’t. This is who I am now. And I agree with what Father Pat says. I just wish my broken heart would just heal a little bit instead of breaking harder.

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  3. I believe it gets harder before it gets better…I am sure the loss of a child is so much harder than that of a husband. Nolan had his whole life ahead of him…and at every turn you must wonder how he would be at this age and so on…One thing you must know for sure is that your son loves you and he will always be with you..I know this is so cliche…but watch for signs …sometimes those signs help.

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  4. So well-said — birthdays and holidays just are not the same in this life; nothing is. It’s always a balance and everything from before is lost the moment that you lose your irreplaceable child.

    Happy Birthday to your sweet Nolan. ❤️

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