Here we go again…

Six years.

I don’t know what to say.

Time flies … I guess. But it also goes painfully slow.

I can say I am breathing without a heavy heart most of the time. I don’t wake up and immediately think “Another day with Nolan not here. One more day closer to dying and reuniting with him and leaving this crazy, crappy F’d up world.”

Yes – those first years I thought about dying. Not taking my life. I saw how horrible it is for those left to try and go on. I would take my meds (was on an antidepressant the days after Nolan’s passing), vitamins and estrogen dosed from my weekly pill holder. Week after week I used to think it was a countdown to when I was done here….

 How many weeks, months, years do I have to be here and live like this? 

Living a new grief life where I go through so many emotions in an hour? A life where I have to wear my mask to hide my pure grief, a deep sad that nobody, not even myself, would want to be around for fear of it wearing off on others? Exhaustion was completely an understatement. I went back to work three weeks after Nolan died. I had to. I am the breadwinner. And I had to be fully functioning and in complete working brain mode. Work made the days go by fast. And it kept me from constantly thinking about my loss. Kept me from the crazy thoughts of why.

It is still hard to balance the days of the “ordinary world” and the quiet days where my loss and emotions flood my mind and bring me back to sad memories of Nolan’s last months of his life.

So now we are six years from the knock on the door from the county police and coroner’s office. Are you wondering when I am going to get over Nolan’s passing? Will I ever stop lamenting about the loss of my son?

The question I would pose back would be “Have you ever stopped loving your child?” Even if you are mad or disappointed in your child – you still love them. And you can communicate your love, your emotions to that person.

I can’t call Nolan and hear his voice. I can’t hug him. Can’t watch him grow up. Maybe get married. Have kids? Maybe be alone and depressed. Maybe have an addiction. Maybe live a few years more and then take his life at an older age. All gone. No future.

I have all that love and emotion that just have nowhere to go.

That is grief.

Time after time

You have heard the phrase “Time heals all wounds.”

But the phrase is better known in this famous quote:

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.”

Rose Kennedy

When we think of time and grief a few things need to be appreciated.

  • There is no correct amount of time where you are supposed to grieve.
  • Time does not make grief go away. It makes it softer. I have heard of the analogy of the stone in the pocket. Or the ball in the box. Glitter in the air. Grief is a heavy book on a shelf. Find what imagery resonates best with you and you understand. If you have love for someone gone your love doesn’t go away, so your grief stays with you. And you have to continue on.
  • Milestones of time are hard with grief. One week, one month, one year, five, ten…as time goes by we continue to live but the milestones- the anniversary of a birthday, wedding date, day of passing, these days remind us of the loss of the loved one. The fact they are not here in continuing with us. We remember the good memories but can feel the pull of guilt that they are not here and we could have done something different, maybe said something and that person would still be here. The mind thinks of clues that hindsight puts out as opportunities missed.

For me it is not Nolan’s day of passing that is any harder than the 364 other days. It is the weeks leading up to his death anniversary that pull me back to my painful memories. Those memories, those moments that I do not want to relive and remember.

I would rather like to remember the good memories, the happy ones I have of him.

Another February

“Without Valentine’s Day, February would be well, January.” 

Jim Gaffigan

Why do I celebrate Valentine’s Day?

Sure – I love to express my love to my family and friends… and I get Hallmark points. But I also celebrate the day because it keeps me from thinking how much I dislike this month.

“Even though February was the shortest month of the year, sometimes it seemed like the longest.” 

J.D. Robb

I try and get as much sun as I can this month to help my mood. My valentine tree is put up for me to enjoy. No one else needs to see it. Anything to keep me going.

February is typically the month I should take a week off but in pediatrics it is the time of the year we are busy with RSV, pneumonia, ear infections and general sick guck with kids. This year the pandemic has changed what we are seeing. Thankfully this strain is not causing too much illness in the pediatric population and the number of sick kids is not as high as it usually is for this month.

“Why does February feel like one big Tuesday?” 

Todd Stocker

I feel like ever since March 2020 we have been waiting for our normal lives to come back. I say we but I am used to having my life forever changed since Nolan died. Pandemic life is another layer of change on top of my world already flipped over, mashed on, and overall kind of unenjoyable.

I try not to spend too much time remembering the sad or hard anniversaries of this month. Maybe you have a month that you know is your hard one. February is not my worst month, but the cold weather and gloomy short days paired with usual long hard work days makes it a month I wish would speed up and move on.

If you get too down you push yourself to look up right? You do things with people. You exercise. You listen to music and get a hug when you need it. And you try to not work too hard.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

It is a good day because love is the focus. And love is love.

Love ya!

Christmas #6

Those that follow my blog know what I do every Christmas since Nolan passed.

Christmas day is one of the hardest days for me in missing Nolan. On Christmas day your family should be together. This is the day where the hole in my heart aches and yearns so much for him. Ask anyone who is grieving the loss of a close loved one.

I have hung Nolan’s stocking since the first Christmas without him. Why not? He is still my child, right? No candy, toys or gift cards fill his stocking now. Instead I place a letter I write to him. I have done this every year since my first Christmas without him, since 2016.

Here is part of my letter to Nolan. Christmas #6 without him.

12/22/2021

Dear Nolan-

I was going to write a dreary letter lamenting how much I miss you. But this sunny winter day puts my mind more in the direction of reflecting.

Lately it is a challenge to keep a positive mindset. I am reminded that each and every one of us here on earth is common in spirit and we are all made from God. Lately my feeling of hope for humankind feels pushed down by all the suffering and divisiveness I see daily. Our human experience is now globally changed due to a virus that reminds me why I found virology and immununology so interesting in medical school. I am intrigued but terrified of the biology of this pandemic. I research as much as I can to help my patients and serve in my purpose.

Living in the present is my goal. Too much dwelling on the past is a waste. I acknowledge it but I can’t stay thinking about it too long. The future is so uncertain. A year ago we were hopeful that 2021 would be better than 2020. It had to be. Nope – same old pandemic world. I know 2022 will be different – but better?

Only God knows.

Nolan I think about the family and friends of the over 800,000 Americans that died so far from COVID infection. And those that passed from cancer, chronic illness, accidents, suicide and overdose. They are missing a loved one or ones this Christmastime. For some it will be their first without their loved one. If I had an empty chair at the holiday dinner table for every close family member I have lost since your Nana and Grandpa passed almost eleven years ago- I would have too many chairs to stare at. I don’t want to do that. I want to be present and enjoy time with our family who are still here.

Do you remember Christmas Nolan? For a child it is such a happy time. Weeks of preparing and counting down the days until the BIG DAY. Such joy, love and family time together. I can keep Christmas a day of brilliant wonderment and joy if I remember that Christmas means HOPE. Jesus came to end all suffering. On Christmas day his birth gave hope to people in an occupied country. Jesus told us “Have faith in me.” I absolutely do.

At the end of most days I can say I tried my best. I am not perfect for sure but I do remember why I am here and how I can show people I love them. I go to sleep hoping you will be in my dreams, where I can hear your voice and your laugh …. see you smile. I wake up and in the first minutes I thank God for another day. A day where I sometimes question what the heck we humans are doing and where we are heading – but I know what I have to do.

I love you and miss you everyday son. Please watch over your brother Sam. And your father. And me.

Until I hug you again…. Love, Mom

The present – no, not a gift

One year later and I can’t say I am super optimistic, but I guess I am beaten down enough by work and bad news and our pandemic life to just plod along. Taking it day by day like everyone else. It will get better someday…… just not for a while.

The Grieving Doctor Mom

Today is my birthday.

Remember when you were a kid and your birthday was THE best day of the year? Right next to Christmas?

I am not feeling that way today. And the prior days were not great either.

Yes – the present really sucks!!!!

I’m not upset that I am a year older. It doesn’t suck at all. It means I am getting a year closer to joining Nolan.

Five years ago the night of my birthday was when Nolan attempted suicide when he was at Purdue. Thankfully he did not succeed. Two days later he texted me what he had done, asking for help. That was how he told us he was depressed.

Prior to today I have been thinking a lot about what I assume we all have –

When are we going to get back to “normal”? When will we be done with physical distancing, where…

View original post 279 more words

Is it five years?

I remember my first 365 days without my son Nolan.

I counted by day of the week, then by month, then each holiday without him. It was all very new and different.

Now years later my memories are less crisp and ripe with detail. I have to think hard to remember some things. When did I see him last before he took his life? Was it six days before? or longer?

What was the last thing he text to me? I remember the message but what were the exact words?

I can look back and search for the answer if I want.

I guess it is my mind saying the specific details don’t matter. It is love, the soft caring memories and emotions I carry when I think of him.

Five years later I don’t miss him any less. My love for him is not diminished. I miss him every day,

I wake up and he is in my thoughts. I talk to him in my head. I know he is with me and sees I sometimes struggle with grief. His spirit sees I am still living and serving my purpose.

You were here for a moment but left a lifetime of love

Silver not Gold

Happy 25 year anniversary to me!

To celebrate my 25 years of service as a general pediatrician I share with you 25 of my thoughts in no particular order. These thoughts are mine and are not supported by my employer.

When I celebrated twenty years of working it was two months before my world fell apart. I am acknowledging my 25 but not celebrating it. These past five years feel like twenty and are not the best ones of my life.

I am sorry to say my profession is slowly eroding in respect. Pediatricians are at the bottom of the pay scale for physician salaries but we take care of the most important patient population. (I am biased I know) I have been called horrible names by angry parents, told I am stupid and selfish and that I work just for the money. (huh?)

God made puppies and babies cute because they poop and pee a lot and many times in places they are not supposed to.

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. Sometimes you feel rewarded. Sometimes you get your heart broken.

I think I hold the record for the most newborn circumcisions performed in my hospital in a 24 hour period.

Don’t tell me you understand how it is to grieve the loss of a child. Until you bury your son due to suicide don’t tell me your perspective. I don’t tell people how to grieve. I listen. That is what I ask people to do.

Kingdom, Phylum, Class , Order, Family, Genus, Species. If you don’t get it you did not major in Biology.

Practicing medicine would be so much better if I didn’t have to spend hours at my computer charting and justifying medications, studies/labs and therapies to insurance companies.

When you make a mistake in medicine you can cause permanent damage, have a patient suffer or have a fatal outcome. I do not take my job lightly. I ask people to honor my 25 plus years experience when I recommend a treatment or give advice.

In my early twenties I used to attend Friday night lectures at Fermilab, a particle physics laboratory in Batavia, IL. Yes – I loved physics and I am a science geek.

Don’t expect another 25 years of work from me. How many I have left I don’t know. I DO know it is time to retire when nobody wants to see me or listen to my advice.

If I knew back in 1996 what life was going to be like in 2021….

I think all women have been sexually harassed at work sometime in their career. My most memorable event was in med school when I was invited to “help” a senior resident in his call room. Hell. No.

It is not an emergency at 2 am if your child has not pooped in a week and you feel now is the time to get advice.

Goldfish crackers are not a protein food.

The medical profession had been waiting for a pandemic to happen. It was never if – but when. I thought it would be a super strain of influenza. I never thought it would be so politized.

Our brain is the least understood organ of our body and obviously the most important.

I feel I will still need to defend vaccines and discuss how they do not cause autism until my last days of work and up to the end of my life.

The first child I ever saw die was carried into the emergency room crying and fully awake. 30 minutes later meningococcemia took his life. The worst sound is hearing a mother wail when she is told her child is dead.

You don’t need to tell me I am strong. I know I am. I also know people who are much stronger than me.

The parent who rubs you the wrong way, the one who makes you feel frustrated during your visit with their child, is the one who you need to listen to and spend more time with.

The worst recurring thought is when you remember your child is dead. Every morning you awaken and are reminded of this.

Pediatricians have the best patients and even on my saddest day I feel joy when I see them. Ok – maybe not 15 month olds – they hate being at our office no matter what and scream and cry the whole time.

It is my honor to be a doctor. I worked hard and thank God for my talent. I am grateful that I found my purpose.

Every day I wake up and pray my intentions: I pray for others and for our world, I pray to serve God thru my work, I pray to share and be present for those that are suffering like me, and I give thanks that I am one day closer to being Home.

I had no idea I could cry so many tears in 5 years.

I don’t know why we are here on this earth at this time 2000+ A.D. But I do know we all are really strong spirits living during this time on this blue ball in this big universe.

Thank you for allowing me to be your child’s doctor

(That was 26. You got a bonus one.)

Eyes without a face

Can you tell if I am happy? sad?
How about now?

Are you sure you guessed correctly?

My eyes

1980’s Lisa

They used to be young and vibrant. My husband Scott even wrote a poem about my blue eyes before we were engaged.

And now? Well – my eyes show my age and the work, trauma and grief I have endured.

My eyes can’t hide my truth.

These last weeks I can’t hide the sadness in my eyes. Crying make my eyelids so puffy. The mask hides my bags partially but you don’t have to be close up to me to see how bad I look. It is convenient to not have to wear makeup with a mask covering up most of your face. Why bother putting eyeliner on- it can’t fix these fifty something year old eyes.

I wish my patients could see my full face. See my smile. I would be happier if the smile that I DO get when I see my patients was apparent to them and their parents. I now have to rely on my voice to be the way to share my emotion.

I know it will be a long time before I can be at work without a mask. How long? Who knows.

My mask won’t show if I am smiling or frowning. But my eyes….

I found my special purpose

(I love this movie- ok – he had a different special purpose- but this saying makes me laugh)

I wrote this blog entry in honor of National Doctors’ day, today, March 30.

“I always knew I was going to be a doctor”

Some people can say this – but not me.

I didn’t always know what I wanted to do. In fact, in high school I liked photography, flower arranging and since I really loved staying at hotels as a kid, I thought being a hotel manager would be fun. Yes – the girl voted “most intelligent” in school had great aspirations didn’t she? I excelled in the sciences and math was easy (but I didn’t like calculus – still don’t} and my GPA and ACT scores were stellar.

So off to Loyola I went and with my parents and teachers suggesting the medical field I thought a biology major would be good. My freshman year I volunteered at a small Chicago hospital spending time in the ER and I liked it. Chemistry, Biology, Physics, Philosophy, Logic, Religious studies – I was educated in the Jesuit tradition. My love of science, of the complexity and care of the human body and mind were fueled and shaped.

Yes – I want to be a physician. I will do this.

When you commit to becoming a physician you know you are giving up some things. You have very delayed gratification. You see the completion of your goal is many years away. When I used to talk to junior high students interested in medicine the two questions I was asked consistently were #1- how much does a doctor make? and #2 how many years does it take to become a doctor? When I told them it was 11 years minimum to become a practicing primary care physician and as many as 15 years to become a neurosurgeon, many of the students dwelled on that timeline.

If you went straight through from high school to medical school and completing your residency with no break, you started your practice – really your career – at age 29 or 30. You spent your 20’s studying and learning. Yes – many physicians in training get married and start their families during these years, but the truth is the study of medicine is really first and most important. Your profession is your life.

Can I say I am thankful I know my life’s purpose? God gave me these gifts of knowledge, of love of medicine, the drive, devotion and stamina to succeed and continue to practice caring for the most important population I believe I am honored to serve – our children.

Yes – Yes I am so very thankful. Grateful. I state my gratitude in my morning prayer and intentions.

I know many people go through their life feeling they have not found their purpose. We have this pressure put upon us by our society and our educational system. Starting around age 14 our kids are asked “what do you want to be?” They are asked to pick a career- no commitment- but still the pressure. They are put on career paths and told college is the goal. Both of my sons took career aptitude tests during high school yet after given their result it still was not clear to them what they wanted to study or pursue as a career.

I pray our children feel they can do whatever they desire. I pray that they continue to dream. I hope they also understand they might wait half or most of their lifetime to understand why they are here. Dreams can be big or be small but they are of equal importance.

You may not know your purpose in life until you spend most of your life searching, only to discover the search is the purpose – and that is ok.

The sun is coming up. I need to stop writing and go to work. I have patients to see.