It has been 19 months since Nolan took his life.
My grief has changed over this short time.
I used to…
- look at a date before Nolan’s DOD and imagine I could go back in time and stop him from doing it
- pretend he was off to college and he was coming back
- replay the memory of the police and coroner coming to the door over and over in my head
- think it all was a bad dream or an altered world and I would wake up and he would be here
- think I was going crazy experiencing numerous emotions in a day, sometimes in an hour
- wonder why I am so exhausted
- miss him, but the shock of him being gone kept me numb
Now I….
- see a date before Nolan’s DOD and remember I cannot go back in time. My timeline is now divided by before 9/19/16 and after it
- know he is gone – he is never coming back
- avoid replaying the traumatic memories of his passing. They are too painful
- wake up and for a few seconds I forget he is gone. Then I remember
- know grief is your brain on an emotional rollercoaster
- know why I am always exhausted
- miss him more than I can ever express
Lately my grief is the emptiness of missing him. It aches.
It is heartache.
I don’t think much about the why these days.
I just miss him.
The Grieving Doctor Mom 