Grief evolving

It has been 19 months since Nolan took his life.

My grief has changed over this short time.

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I used to…

  • look at a date before Nolan’s DOD and imagine I could go back in time and stop him from doing it
  • pretend he was off to college and he was coming back
  • replay the memory of the police and coroner coming to the door over and over in my head
  • think it all was a bad dream or an altered world and I would wake up and he would be here
  • think I was going crazy experiencing numerous emotions in a day, sometimes in an hour
  • wonder why I am so exhausted
  • miss him, but the shock of him being gone kept me numb

Now I….

  • see a date before Nolan’s DOD and remember I cannot go back in time. My timeline is now divided by before 9/19/16 and after it
  • know he is gone – he is never coming back
  • avoid replaying the traumatic memories of his passing. They are too painful
  • wake up and for a few seconds I forget he is gone. Then I remember
  • know grief is your brain on an emotional rollercoaster
  • know why I am always exhausted
  • miss him more than I can ever express

 

Lately my grief is the emptiness of missing him. It aches.

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It is heartache.

I don’t think much about the why these days. 

 

I just miss him.

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