Category: healing

My House of Grief- in a different light

When I first started my blog I wrote an entry called “My House of Grief.” https://grievingdoctormom.blog/2018/04/11/my-house-of-grief/

This is one of my favorite blog entries as it communicated my first years of emotions on my grief journey. I still feel these emotions, yet not as crazy and exhausting as I did back then.

Fast forward many years to this past week when Ashley, Tiffany and I represented Golden Hope Ministries (http://www.goldenhopemin.org) attending the 27th annual symposium held by the National Alliance for Children’s Grief in Denver, Colorado. We had three days of networking and meetings on how to serve children and their families that are grieving the loss of a family member.

We had the opportunity to tour Judi’s House located in Aurora, Colorado. In 2002, former NFL quarterback Brian Griese and his wife, Dr. Brook Griese, a clinical psychologist specializing in childhood trauma and loss, founded Judi’s House in memory of Brian’s mother, Judi. Brian was 12 years old when Judi passed away from breast cancer.  

Judi’s House is a community-based nonprofit bereavement center for children and families with the vision that no child should be alone in grief. In 2014, Judi’s House launched the Jag Institute. The institute provides evaluation, research, and training opportunities which they share with other bereavement programs in the US and worldwide.

All participants of the symposium – over 600- were in invited to tour this magnificent house, built in 2022, and their third location since inception.

This house is a dream for any grief support program/service to tour. In this huge structure, areas are thoughtfully designed to welcome a child and their family in a loving environment. Rooms are designated for meal sharing, individual therapy, outside gardens, grief education/intern education, group therapy, research, play therapy, administration and more. We took over an hour to tour the place.

With hundreds of people touring the location, Ashley, Tiffany and I wandered around. We thought we explored all the areas but realized we did not see an important one: the group therapy rooms. This area has many rooms where children can meet by age group and adults can meet as a group. As we entered the hallway I noted how this area held the most number of quilts.

After a child/family has finished a 10 session program of group therapy they are welcomed to complete a square for the quilt. This square honors the loved one they have lost. As you can see from the above photo each square is made in memory of their family member that had passed.

Down the group therapy hall you see the walls lined with these quilts. All the therapy rooms have the quilts lining the walls as well. Each quilt holds 15 squares. Multiply this by at least 15 quilts or more in this hall, and each large therapy room holding 5 or more quilts.

Walking in this hall…. this is when I became overwhelmed.

Throughout Judi’s house the quilts are everywhere. But in this hallway I felt the sum of those loved ones memorialized by these quilts. These were thousands of people remembered. In this hall, with the excitement the house filled with visitors, I felt overwhelming love; overwhelming presence of energy of the spirits that were at that moment, watching over the crowd of visitors that appreciated what Judi’s house does.

I started to cry. And really couldn’t stop. Ashley and Tiffany gave me comfort and I tried to explain to them what I was feeling. I don’t think I communicated it well to them. I needed them to understand that I wasn’t sad and missing Nolan (well, I am always missing him), but I was crying from the intensity of love and energy in this area I was feeling.

The house had such a welcoming feeling and I thought – why would the energy of those that had passed not want to be a part of this ?? This was a gathering of people that support their loved ones and so many others that are grieving.

It was an experience. It reminded me of my raw days of the first week after Nolan had passed. That week I was stripped away from the usual, the normal of everyday life and was thrown into the chaos of deep, deep grief. The sleepless nights and shock of loss left me to feel emotions with great intensity. I remember feeling the most love and caring I have ever felt from family, friends and many others. It is a feeling no words can really describe.

In my prior “house of grief” I was alone. It was very unlike Judi’s house.

I did have a room in my house that did bring me happiness and comfort. I had a room that I called the “helping others” room.

Back then I had no idea this is where I would be today – helping others through Golden Hope Ministries.

Please check us out.

http://www.goldenhopemin.org

Will we be as big as Judi’s House twenty years from now? I don’t know. We will focus on who we can help, be it one child and their family.

Because – as Judi’s house says- no child should grieve alone.

Seven and counting

Life goes on.

A saying we all know and use. When you lose a loved one your world stops, but everyone else keeps moving on. Eventually you have to continue on too. Some people find it hard that their friends and family that experienced the loss can go back to a routine life. What I have learned is that our loved ones that have passed want us to live. To go on.

It took me until year five to really feel I was fully moving forward. I guess because it took me all those years to be able to wake up and not immediately remember Nolan was gone. And I was not crying everyday. Reflecting back, I cried EVERY DAY for the first two years. No wonder I was so tired!

But don’t think I don’t break down anymore.

There are months where I rarely cry. My solid group of less grief feeling months are June to August. The month of September is pretty much crap. Ask anyone who has loss and they can tell you they can feel a change a few weeks before the date of the passing.

Anticipation of the loss day is like a bird that flies by your house the first few days, then rests on a fence in your yard the next days, and then builds a big nest in the tree right next to your house and declares “Here I am. You remember that day? Now I am going to hang out and constantly chirp so you don’t forget me. Think about the bad memories. Sleep? You don’t need to do that. Pay attention to me!”

Yet this September I started with attending a concert with my best friend.

Friday Night Concert Fun!!!

And I continued the next days with bicycle rides, walking with my husband, sitting outside, swimming in my pool and volunteering at a race. The day before Nolan’s Angelversary I paid a visit to the dunes.

All this time outside made me think… September is a beautiful month. The sky is a crisp blue, many days are sunny and warm, and nights are a little cool where you welcome a bonfire. You feel the anticipation of the changing of season.

So how in this great time of the year could Nolan feel so bad that he ended his life? He was starting again in college with close friends by his side. He was so good the months prior. What happened?

I will never know.

Reasons for suicide are complex. Suicide is scary and confusing. And for us that are left with the why- it is really hard.

But remember? Even with it so hard….

Just smile

Today is the first day in almost 3 years that I do not have to wear a mandatory mask at work.

Three years.

Three years where my patients did not see how happy I was to see them.

Sure, they could hear my voice – but the smile was hidden behind my mask.

And I have to admit sometimes my mask absorbed my tears. I still cry at work at times. Less often then before. Maybe after a parent asked about my family or how I was doing. Most of the time I am good, but on the hard days… well that mask would hide my emotions when I needed it to.

Sometimes my wearing a mask was scary for the patient. In the last year my young patients found it unusual to see someone with a mask in public.

And why was mommy and daddy wearing them too at my visit? Scary. On top of being down to a diaper and having a stranger touching you. This creates an unhappy young patient. Hard to talk to parents when their child is crying in fear.

Don’t think I was not a believer in wearing a mask.

I know I would have gotten COVID-19 infection a lot sooner if I had not worn a mask. I appreciate my patients had to wear a mask as well. (I know which patient gave me COVID – and she was too young to wear it)

I will still put a mask on at the appropriate times. When I am with a cold or cough that I don’t want to spread my infection. Or my patient may be contagious (COVID-19, RSV, influenza, whooping cough, pneumonia, etc) and I do not want to get sick.

But today, March 27, 2023, I will rejoice in this day where my office and I can have a bit of normal back that we so well deserve- don’t you think?

Now I can share the best thing I wear everyday.

My smile.

What is Smile about?


– The lyrics tell the listener to smile even if they are going through a hard time.

– No matter how bad things seem, they will get better.

– Smiling can make a difference in someone’s day.

– It is important to keep trying even when things are hard.

– Life is always worth living despite the difficulties.

Here we go again…

Six years.

I don’t know what to say.

Time flies … I guess. But it also goes painfully slow.

I can say I am breathing without a heavy heart most of the time. I don’t wake up and immediately think “Another day with Nolan not here. One more day closer to dying and reuniting with him and leaving this crazy, crappy F’d up world.”

Yes – those first years I thought about dying. Not taking my life. I saw how horrible it is for those left to try and go on. I would take my meds (was on an antidepressant the days after Nolan’s passing), vitamins and estrogen dosed from my weekly pill holder. Week after week I used to think it was a countdown to when I was done here….

 How many weeks, months, years do I have to be here and live like this?

Living a new grief life where I go through so many emotions in an hour? A life where I have to wear my mask to hide my pure grief, a deep sad that nobody, not even myself, would want to be around for fear of it wearing off on others? Exhaustion was completely an understatement. I went back to work three weeks after Nolan died. I had to. I am the breadwinner. And I had to be fully functioning and in complete working brain mode. Work made the days go by fast. And it kept me from constantly thinking about my loss. Kept me from the crazy thoughts of why.

It is still hard to balance the days of the “ordinary world” and the quiet days where my loss and emotions flood my mind and bring me back to sad memories of Nolan’s last months of his life.

So now we are six years from the knock on the door from the county police and coroner’s office. Are you wondering when I am going to get over Nolan’s passing? Will I ever stop lamenting about the loss of my son?

The question I would pose back would be “Have you ever stopped loving your child?” Even if you are mad or disappointed in your child – you still love them. And you can communicate your love, your emotions to that person.

I can’t call Nolan and hear his voice. I can’t hug him. Can’t watch him grow up. Maybe get married. Have kids? Maybe be alone and depressed. Maybe have an addiction. Maybe live a few years more and then take his life at an older age. All gone. No future.

Recent visit to his niche – 2022

I have all that love and emotion that just have nowhere to go.

That is grief.

Time after time

You have heard the phrase “Time heals all wounds.”

But the phrase is better known in this famous quote:

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.”

Rose Kennedy

When we think of time and grief a few things need to be appreciated.

  • There is no correct amount of time where you are supposed to grieve.
  • Time does not make grief go away. It makes it softer. I have heard of the analogy of the stone in the pocket. Or the ball in the box. Glitter in the air. Grief is a heavy book on a shelf. Find what imagery resonates best with you and you understand. If you have love for someone gone your love doesn’t go away, so your grief stays with you. And you have to continue on.
  • Milestones of time are hard with grief. One week, one month, one year, five, ten…as time goes by we continue to live but the milestones- the anniversary of a birthday, wedding date, day of passing, these days remind us of the loss of the loved one. The fact they are not here in continuing with us. We remember the good memories but can feel the pull of guilt that they are not here and we could have done something different, maybe said something and that person would still be here. The mind thinks of clues that hindsight puts out as opportunities missed.

For me it is not Nolan’s day of passing that is any harder than the 364 other days. It is the weeks leading up to his death anniversary that pull me back to my painful memories. Those memories, those moments that I do not want to relive and remember.

I would rather like to remember the good memories, the happy ones I have of him.

Christmas in Heaven

So what is it like to celebrate Christmas in heaven?

I imagine all my loved ones feeling eternal joy and love. The amount being unimaginable for us here on earth to really understand. And everyday is Christmas for them.

I have two more people I love very much join the celebration in heaven this year, 2020—

Until I come Home …. I will miss them all so much.

May we all try and feel the spirit of Christmas every day.

It is going to get better, isn’t it?

This cartoon is me.

Is it you too? Probably.

With election day this week, cases of corona virus surging, work pressures, financial strain and the holidays just weeks away you can’t tell me you aren’t feeling some amount of stress.

It reminds me of how I felt when Nolan left for school a second time, when he appeared to be at his best and chose to attend and live at Valpo University.

I was overwhemed with anxiety.

Initially I couldn’t sleep. I texted him daily. How are you? Did you go to class? Did you take your medication?

I had done all I could before he left for school. I had my responsibilities as his parent and I did the best I could. I had to trust him.

I had to let go.

I called and told him I could not keep checking on him daily . I trusted that he would call me if he needed something. He told me thank you. He understood and I know he was relieved I wasn’t stressing about him.

One month later he was gone.

But you know what? I am still here. Four years later I am still breathing, living, working, loving and smiling.

How did I deal with my worry about Nolan? How do I handle my anxiety now?

Take 4 minutes and listen…

So when you wake up at 3am and your brain starts thinking about all the bad things in the world, all the what ifs, the future we all want to know but cannot predict, and the things you can’t control – try and repeat the phrase.

It might work. It does for me.

Four years

Four years. It is how long we take to get through high school. Through college (that is the plan for most parents!)

Medical school is four years.

I should know how four years should feel. I have done four year tasks many times.

These four years have been painful and slow with my grieving.

The first year is all fresh with firsts – first Christmas, first Thanksgiving, first birthday. The Angelversary. You struggle to focus, you are exhausted.

The second year is horrible. It stings and all the milestone days come again and you are reminded he is not coming home. You are still exhausted. Wake, rinse, repeat.

For me the third year was the year of figuring out balance. How to still function as a full time pediatrician, mom and wife yet still honor my need to grieve.

Fourth year? My grief is still here but the need to stay current with the daily changes in a pandemic world keep me more as a doctor and less as a grieving mom. This world is getting harder for those struggling with loss, addiction, depression and anxiety. I have seen so much anxiety in my pediatric population.

    I honor Nolan today, his fourth Angelversary.

    I really don’t want to cry all day. I don’t have time for that. Life goes on. This day will come again and again. How many more I will have to live through I do not know. I would rather put my energy and grief today into my purpose – why I am supposed to be here.

      100% preventable?

      You have seen this saying before.

      I agree- suicide does not need to happen.

      But when a person loses a loved one to suicide this saying can sting. It can be read as “You could have prevented him/her from suicide. You missed the signs. You failed.”

      The act of taking your life to end your pain, to be under the trance that suicide is the answer to your problems- that is what COULD be prevented. But not all suicides can be prevented.

      The first year of life without Nolan I had no interest in advocating for suicide awareness and prevention.

      How could I say it is preventable if I didn’t stop Nolan from ending his life? I FAILED. He was taking his medication and seeing his therapist. We supported his decision to go back to college. He appeared the healthiest he had been the months before.

      The good Dr. Gold, a pediatrician with years of experience, she must of known Nolan was that bad, that low.

      HOW DID SHE NOT SEE THE SIGNS??

      The months after Nolan died I was a busy detective. What did I miss?

      He was doing so much better. He had goals and he had plans. I went through his phone and read his texts. College was going well (at least that is what his professors told me) but he was seeking a relationship. With someone. With anyone. It appears he would have great anxiety (depression and anxiety love to hang together) in social situations. So when rejection happened he wasn’t able to bounce back. It pushed him farther to feeling like he didn’t fit in. Was this the final straw? Was it school and it’s stress? Was it because he couldn’t lose weight? Was his medication dose increase the push to give plan to taking his life?

      I still do not know where Nolan was the night before his suicide, nor where he went for most of the day. I imagine he went to the dunes and hung out at the beach. All alone. It was a beautiful September day. What was he thinking? Was he at peace with his decision and enjoying his last day on earth? I understand from my research that people do usual everyday things up to the minutes before they take their life.

      I will never know.

      The detective mom did see what Nolan did the minutes before he got out of his car with a shotgun, walked a dozen yards to a large rock mound in a construction site in view of his home and ended his life.

      He watched a mundane YouTube video on his phone of his favorite gamers. No goodbyes to anyone. No note. No hidden meaning in any texts to anyone. He just ended his pain.

      Tell me where the signs are with that?

      It will be four years since Nolan died by suicide. The guilt can still try and take over my thoughts.

      When the guilt pushes me to think I failed, I remember the following:

      • You cannot control another human being
      • You can make home safe and give tools to find help but you can’t make a person heal
      • Suicide is not the survivor’s fault
      • The act of suicide is not to hurt others, it is to end pain

      I see the phrase suicide: 100% preventable in a different light. It reminds me of my role in helping others and bringing awareness to pain that leads to suicide. I cannot prevent every loss from suicide. I can be the person who listens and offers the tools to help and redirect to a path of recovery.

      Christmas in Heaven

      So what is it like to celebrate Christmas in heaven?

      I imagine all my loved ones feeling eternal joy and love. The amount being unimaginable for us here on earth to really understand. And everyday is Christmas for them.

      I have two more people I love very much join the celebration in heaven—

      Until I come Home …. I will miss them all so much.

      May we all try and feel the spirit of Christmas every day.