Merry Little Christmas.
I remember when Nolan and Sam were little boys at Christmas time. Heck, I remember my love of Christmas as a child! I once fell asleep with the Sear’s Christmas catalog pointing to the pogo stick I wanted SO SO much. Santa was always watching, so he would have no mistake in knowing what I wanted.
And here we are many years later. Santa knows what I want, but that is not something he can do.
Christmas day is one of the hardest days for me in missing Nolan. On Christmas day your family should be together. This is the day where the hole in my heart aches and earns so much for him. Ask anyone who is grieving the loss of a close loved one.
I have hung Nolan’s stocking since the first Christmas without him. Why not? He is still my child, right? No candy, toys or gift cards fill his stocking now. Instead I place a letter I write to him. I have done this every year since my first Christmas without him, since 2016.
The first was a simple small hand written note. Then the next year a bit longer. Last year I typed my letter to him. I was worried he could not read what I had written. Crazy you might think. I write these letters for me. I share my love to him and tell him how much I miss him.
The second Christmas without him I was really down. This was the Christmastime I can say I was depressed. A good friend invited me to her house a month later to be one of a group of women meeting a local medium friend of hers for a group reading. Ok – I was up for it. In the past I had a reading with someone else so I did not expect Nolan to come through that night.
But Nolan did.
He said he is with me at work. And at home. He knew how much I missed him. Up until now only Scott knew I wrote these letters. I told no one, no mention on social media. Yet this medium communicated how Nolan read my first letter. She mentioned blue ink and that I place them in his stocking. Scott did not even know what color pen I used. Nolan said he has read all the letters.
I am not sure what I will write him this year. I talk to him everyday, before I wake up and in the shower since I tend to get my usual cry out then. But it is special to write to him at Christmas. It is not my wish list to Santa, but I feel it keeps my connection to him a bit stronger. Christmas #4.