The accident

It was a good weather day, a typical mid-September one. Warm and humid.

We did not plan all the activities of the first anniversary, just Scott and I together in the afternoon. It was his request. Just be together. To honor the second anniversary just the two of us.

In the morning I did PT and my foot doctor cleared me to start a slow return to running. GREAT!!! I planned for us to do lunch a short ride away in Miller. We took  our motorcycles with the route avoiding the highway.  We saw a bad accident on the way. I remember seeing the two cars and their damage. Riding is not anxiety provoking, but that accident made me more attentive.

It really just took a second.

A fast stop of the car ahead of us. I did not expect it to happen. Sometimes you can see an accident about to happen and think “oh boy, I can’t stop this.. help!” No – for me I was just braking like I have hundreds of times before, but this time my body ended up on the pavement.

“What the???” My left arm was twisted and burned in pain and I feared Scott was going to run over me. Oh – and my leg… I had to twist it below the knee back into place. Or did I do that?

I was in shock for hours after. I have never had a car or motorcycle accident before where I was injured. My left knee had a torn ACL and torn meniscus. Lovely road rash on my arm.

But what I really hurt was my spirit. That night I could not sleep.

Why did I have the accident? Why oh why that day? I wanted to think about Nolan and remember good things about him. Not be broken in body and spirit.

I cried for around four days. I was physically hurt and unable to walk without someone watching me on crutches. I cried from my misery but also in grief and for what I saw as my lack of control and failure. 

Like I could control what happened, right? I could not control what Nolan thought or did two years prior. I could not turn back time and not go out to lunch or take the bikes.

I had to tell my partners I was out for the next six weeks or more from work.  I felt like I let them down. I let my patients down.

Since successful surgery this past week I have come accustomed to being at home and not focusing on what I am missing. I have spent a lot of  time with Scott. He sure can make me laugh and it is good that it doesn’t hurt my chest when I do like the first week. Once again my family, friends and colleagues are helping me through a rough patch of life.

I know I could have been hurt much worse. I wear a helmet 100% of the time. I did not hit the car ahead of me- again – all in an instant. I don’t think Nolan was watching over me. If he was I think he was just an observer. Not that the accident was meant to happen.  I don’t know about that. I DO know people were available to help me in perfect timing. That I believe was directed from above.

They say doctors are not good patients but I will argue we are excellent when we have a  goal. My goal is to follow my directions, work hard with my physical therapy, and go back to work as soon as I am safely able to.

Will I ever run again?  Will I ever ride again?

I will take it one step at a time.

I will focus on walking first.