He should be here

There are a lot of hard things I think about in my grief mind.

I miss Nolan every day.  His absence may not be on my mind all day, but the minute I wake up I remember he is gone.

The hardest, most heartbreaking time is when he is missing from an occasion he should be at. Like his birthday, and most holidays.

Christmas.

               That is the hardest one for me.

I don’t know if that holiday is going to get any easier.

When your kids are young you look forward to milestones you imagine and anticipate in their future.

In a way I am glad I rarely dreamed of Nolan’s future – like his college graduation, his first job out of school, or my attending his wedding. Those where such unknowns.

Forever I am stuck in the world where he went off to college.

He should be heading off to another year back at school.

But he never came back the first time.

I don’t know how I will be when his friends graduate – or his cousins marry or have kids. I will celebrate them of course – and I know I will mourn my empty space that Nolan left me.

I miss him so much.