I can’t say I am happy for having grief be a big part of my life. If I had a choice you know I would grab the time machine I so wish for and go back to stop Nolan from taking his life. Or go back further and recognize that he was depressed the last years of high school. (he denied he was depressed – I asked him many times)
As I am a glass half full kind of gal I can share with you the good I now have in my life even though I am forever missing one of my children.
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I live in the present as much as I can
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I tell people I love them. A LOT more often now
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I listen better
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I don’t judge. I remember I am hearing one side and one perspective of a situation
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I love to laugh. I always have but I really enjoy when I am happy
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I stop and smell the flowers. And I listen and look for signs. Yes -I see them often from Nolan and my parents
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I pray more then ever. Sometimes for me and most of the time for others
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AND THE BIGGEST CHANGE: I do NOT sweat the small stuff. Thing that used to piss me off or make me waste my mental energy are now meaningless. I feel free from that past burden
I am sure others who had a life changing experience appreciate things in a different way. It is not just a grieving life that provides this perspective.
Finally – I know I am strong. 
I made it through medical school, residency, 20+ years of being a full time pediatrician AND a mom of two great kids AND and married 25 years to a man I still love.
Nolan’s suicide is a nightmare I wake to everyday.
I would never say I have been thru the worst because I could lose even more. I know others who have lost two children to suicide.
But I know I have not for one minute questioned if I can go on.
Hell yes – I can and I will.
The Grieving Doctor Mom 
Great post Lisa! Life is for sure ever changing and always will! You are a very strong woman, mother, wife, sister and more! Continued prayers for your strength!
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Man do I get that so well. I don’t sweat the small stuff either anymore. Of course its been quit a few years for me but it changed that perspective in me so much. I would much rather live in peace then worry and fret about the little shit that don’t matter. I recently had to make another life changing decision to remove the negative in mine and my kids lives. My husband could not understand the concept of letting go of the little shit and was always on my kids about stuff that did not matter in life at all. I could not idly stand by anymore and let him take happiness and relaxing home away from my kids lives. It feels freeing to be free of such a harsh person who would never get it. Peace has returned to my house. And the dishes in the sink are still htere tonite and will be there tomorrow for me to clean up. I do things slower, but it gets done when it gets done. My kids get htings done in there time too. They know I will get on them eventually and eventually they will run out of clean cloths and get to it themselves. My carpet was messed up, the guy thought I was going to be upset. I really didn’t care, I told him to get it done when he can. No biggy, Im not going anywhere anytime soon. I wish more people could live with this not sweating the small stuff idea. Life would be simpler and happier for more people.
And yea that I love you thing. My friends didn’t understand why I said that to them all the time, until we lost one of our best friends recently. Now we are all saying it all the time to eachother. by the way, I love you Lisa, I hope you have a wonderful week.
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Yes I knew you would get it! I wish more people could see how much of a waste of time it is to worry about all the crap. To tell people that you love them — It weirds some people out but others say they love you back. Even if you told them just yesterday you love them it’s great to hear it again the next day. So love to you Dana 😀
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You are in my thoughts and prayers … I know what it is like to grieve, lost my beloved husband two years ago, but I also know it is not the same as losing a child.
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Love this post, trying hard to stop worrying about all the other people in my life and quit sweating the small stuff, which really isn’t in my control anyway
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Seeing the signs and looking for them is so true . I love the signs I see 🙂
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