I can’t say I am happy for having grief be a big part of my life. If I had a choice you know I would grab the time machine I so wish for and go back to stop Nolan from taking his life. Or go back further and recognize that he was depressed the last years of high school. (he denied he was depressed – I asked him many times)
As I am a glass half full kind of gal I can share with you the good I now have in my life even though I am forever missing one of my children.
I live in the present as much as I can
I tell people I love them. A LOT more often now
I listen better
I don’t judge. I remember I am hearing one side and one perspective of a situation
I love to laugh. I always have but I really enjoy when I am happy
I stop and smell the flowers. And I listen and look for signs. Yes -I see them often from Nolan and my parents
I pray more then ever. Sometimes for me and most of the time for others
AND THE BIGGEST CHANGE: I do NOT sweat the small stuff. Thing that used to piss me off or make me waste my mental energy are now meaningless. I feel free from that past burden
I am sure others who had a life changing experience appreciate things in a different way. It is not just a grieving life that provides this perspective.
Finally – I know I am strong. I made it through medical school, residency, 20+ years of being a full time pediatrician AND a mom of two great kids AND and married 25 years to a man I still love.
Nolan’s suicide is a nightmare I wake to everyday.
I would never say I have been thru the worst because I could lose even more. I know others who have lost two children to suicide.
But I know I have not for one minute questioned if I can go on.
Hell yes – I can and I will.