Life goes on.

A saying we all know and use. When you lose a loved one your world stops, but everyone else keeps moving on. Eventually you have to continue on too. Some people find it hard that their friends and family that experienced the loss can go back to a routine life. What I have learned is that our loved ones that have passed want us to live. To go on.

It took me until year five to really feel I was fully moving forward. I guess because it took me all those years to be able to wake up and not immediately remember Nolan was gone. And I was not crying everyday. Reflecting back, I cried EVERY DAY for the first two years. No wonder I was so tired!

But don’t think I don’t break down anymore.

There are months where I rarely cry. My solid group of less grief feeling months are June to August. The month of September is pretty much crap. Ask anyone who has loss and they can tell you they can feel a change a few weeks before the date of the passing.

Anticipation of the loss day is like a bird that flies by your house the first few days, then rests on a fence in your yard the next days, and then builds a big nest in the tree right next to your house and declares “Here I am. You remember that day? Now I am going to hang out and constantly chirp so you don’t forget me. Think about the bad memories. Sleep? You don’t need to do that. Pay attention to me!”

Yet this September I started with attending a concert with my best friend.

And I continued the next days with bicycle rides, walking with my husband, sitting outside, swimming in my pool and volunteering at a race. The day before Nolan’s Angelversary I paid a visit to the dunes.

All this time outside made me think… September is a beautiful month. The sky is a crisp blue, many days are sunny and warm, and nights are a little cool where you welcome a bonfire. You feel the anticipation of the changing of season.

So how in this great time of the year could Nolan feel so bad that he ended his life? He was starting again in college with close friends by his side. He was so good the months prior. What happened?

I will never know.

Reasons for suicide are complex. Suicide is scary and confusing. And for us that are left with the why- it is really hard.

But remember? Even with it so hard….