When the police and coroner told me Nolan was gone, time stood still.
For some of my grieving parent friends time remains at that heartbreaking moment.
I would never say I want to go back to that day and relive it. Even now I can feel the disbelief – “this is not happening, this is not happening” I said aloud over and over while I searched for Nolan’s last visit summary from the psychiatrist to show the coroner what meds he was taking. I just couldn’t think.
The weeks that followed Nolan’s death are not easy to remember with full detail. Anyone that has lived through a loss or shock to your life understands. Bits of sleep you try to take with many hours laying in bed wondering how and why and what you missed or could have done differently. Day after day of little to no sleep and such high emotion and trauma puts your brain on overdrive.
But I do remember … the weeks after he died I had the gift of living in the moment.
Those weeks that came after Nolan died I would wake up and only be able to have the goal of making it through the day. To think about the future was impossible. The past too painful.
I had to live in the moment to survive.
When you have your life turn completely upside down you look at things in a different light. I am unbelievably blessed to be in a practice where I was able to take as much time off as I needed. I have the best partners= friends at my practice who covered my office, my call and took care of ALL of my responsibilities. ALL OF IT.
All that responsibility, pressure, stress of work and call was pushed aside immediately. I knew I could not do any of it. I went from focusing and worrying about so many other people (yes – I sometimes worry about my patients) to having so many people care for me.
I felt spiritually lifted. Suddenly I was free to think about myself, my family, people who love me and who I love so dearly. I had full commitment to being myself without the responsibilities of my doctor life. I spent time with family and people I love. It was healing.
So what is it like now – almost eighteen months later?
Grieving puts me in a place where the future is sometimes too painful to think about – it is a place where I am missing a piece of me. The past is a garden of good memories but also ones you wish you could change but cannot.
The present is now. I am here and alive.
When thoughts of either past or future pull me too far from my center I breathe and try to be present – to live in the now. I feel Nolan here and it makes me smile.
11 thoughts on “Present living”
I can’t know what you have gone through, but I know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
My heart still hurts so much for you. You took such amazing care of our daughter from when I was a terrified new mom with a preemie until we finally had to say she needed her own pcp and was “too old” to see a pediatrician. If it would have been up to me you would still be taking care of her. You will always be a part of our family and I pray daily for you and your family. Our love always!
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Love to you too. Thank you for allowing me to care for Kyleigh. I feel old 🙂 I must have hundreds of “patient kids” as I like to think of them. God bless
Thank you for your loving words. I have thousands of children. A pediatrician can’t help but consider their patients as their own. I am grateful that you allowed me to take care of Kyleigh. Love to you
Beautifully written, Lisa.
Peace is indeed found in the moment. Moments of joy can be shared with those you love but your heart had a huge part taken. It is so beautiful that you can focus on your blessings and help others through this difficult journey. Thank you Lisa for all that you do to heal yourself and others and find a way forward to live life. Too many parents are finding themselves in this situation in our world today and need a leader or spiritual guide like you! Peace and love to you!
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So true, Lisa…so true. Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us.
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After I lost my husband ten years ago, from heart disease, I kept thing if only I knew where he was, was he safe with our Lord? I know he was a good man, so religion helped me. I know your son is with the Lord and you will see him again, may that give you courage to go on. I have read that when people are depressed and leave us, they do so, not to punish us but they think that WE would have an easier life without them, if only they knew how untrue that is! They are in pain and want ot be free of it. I don’t think we can know the why, but we all know they aren’t thinking clearly. May the faith your grandparents and parents gave you sustain you, for all of us are on eath for a limited time, until we see them again. Cousin Carol Chapski Kerr
I agree with everything you posted. Until we see them again – some days go so slow and then we have another year pass! I wish he left a note – so many do not. I know he had pain- deep deep pain. Now I have the pain of his absence but can cope with it. God bless you Carol.
“When thoughts of either past or future pull me too far from my center I breathe and try to be present – to live in the now. I feel Nolan here and it makes me smile.” Well said Lisa – this is exactly what I do and I know when Ben is with me. I feel a pressure in my chest that makes me smile. Love you girl!
Love to you too Kelly