A new grieving life

To start my blog I want to share the poem I wrote the night before Nolan’s first Angelversary. Nolan took his life 9/19/2016. He is forever 19 years old. Since then I have awoken every morning to remember he is gone. 

I live my life now with the heavy coat of grief.

I continue my life as mother to my remaining son, wife, sister, pediatrician and friend to many.  

Thank you for joining me as I  continue serving God in my practice of medicine and still see the sunrise as a reminder that I  have HOPE.

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The promise of a new life 
Has the mother hold her newborn and smile
Dreams of the child’s future
Whispered in the baby’s ear
Childhood goes fleeting fast
The chaos of joy and learning and growth

We mothers plan and plan for the future
When the present is to be enjoyed 
As your child tells you “I love you “
For before you know it he is grown

Out of your view yet still on your mind
Oh how you wish he would listen and understand your
Advice and experience 
And you wish he would understand HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM
A love where you would give your last breath if it were to help him

Children grow and become young adults
Independent minds with souls taking flight
But life can bring pain and sometimes it is too much
Despite help it is just too much and
The love is shadowed by the pain
And the child makes the pain end…..

A spirit come back to HOME.
Where I will be someday
Someday I will join my child 
But until then I will let go
And LIVE – because that is what a mother does.

—– Lisa Gold

20 thoughts on “A new grieving life

  1. Dr Gold,
    I too lost my son, Erik. He was 22 yrs old and had been a diabetic since age 3. In his early teens i saw a change in him. He lied about checking his blood sugar. He didn’t care if his A1C was ever below 12. He began taking pills, xanax, norco, whatever to escape being a diabetic. I didnt know that at that time. I thought he was just a moody rebellious teenage boy. By age 20 he was beginning rehab for his newfound addiction, heroin. He went in and out of several rehabs, along with his denial of having a “true” addiction problem. He finally set his mind to get clean for his then 3 yr old son, my grandson, Austin. He was in rehab in a beautiful location, Laguna Beach CA. It was his second time there but he was determined to get clean. In his 7th month, approaching discharge and about to return to his new life, he overdosed on heroin. He was found in the rehab facility’s bathroom. FOREVER 22. My heart goes out to you and to all mothers who lose a child. God has a purpose for me. I will continue sharing my son’s journey in hopes of helping 1 person.
    Thank you for letting me share on your BLOG. Lots of Love and Hugs for us 😔
    Sincerely, Lynda (PP nurse at st anthony’s) 💜💜💜

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    1. Lynda thank you for sharing with me the details about your son on my site. Yes you and I do have a purpose in life. To celebrate our son’s memories. The next time I see you I will try and give you a hug. I will remember your son’s life when I talk to my teenage diabetic patients. I do see some of them showing rebellion when taking care of their health.

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    2. Lynda. Thank you for sharing your mom story of Erik. I regret when we tell people about our children we have to tell them the parts we should not focus on- their hardships and their end. Having diabetes as a teenager is difficult. I will remember Erik when I see my teenage patients with that diagnosis. Let’s share a hug next time we see each other at work. Peace and love to you my Angel Mom friend.

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  2. Dr. Gold, you have always been a strong woman and someone whom I look up to, since I have known you. You are so strong and courageous for sharing your grief – and such a beautiful poem! I love you and please reach out if you ever need to chat- I will swing by the office and say hello and give you a big hug the next time I am in town!

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  3. I am in awe of your writing and the new journey you are taking. You are making a new path, budding a new branch, of the many you could have done after Nolan’s death. His death will never ‘be okay’. Your choice of response has the potential for lighting the darkness of the unknown for yourself and for others. It is a choice of hope and vulnerability and the most intimate and genuine form of a being a human being that I can imagine. Love, your sister Angela

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  4. Dear Dr. Gold, It is so brave of you to be writing this blog about your son and it is helping many mothers who have or who have not lost a child.Thank you and I pray for you to get through each day the best that you can

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  5. Lisa, I’m honored to walk beside you and hold hands during the journey. Witnessing your compassion and personal growth has changed my life. Always with you. ♥️♥️♥️

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  6. Lisa, Thank you for sharing yourself and your journey with all of us. I am grateful we can walk this together. The words amazing, strong, and courageous have been used to describe you many this past year and a half. I would agree with all of those descriptions, but would add “giving”. Giving your reflections and thoughts, sharing your emotions, and holding on to hope helps all of us. I love you!

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  7. Oh, Lisa…… I’m so sad this is your journey, but I’m proud of you for starting this blog….. you are such an awesome human…… I’m grateful to call you my friend…..

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  8. Dr. Gold,
    Beautifully written. Amazing poem. I can’t imagine your pain or daily suffering. May God continue to give you strength to help you every day. May God continue to give you strength so you can continue serving the hundreds of children you help in your practice. You are a talented doctor and my boys were very blessed to have you as their pediatrician. Lisa Hanlon

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  9. Dear Lisa – what a beautiful way to pay tribute to Nolan and share your grief with others. It is indeed a very sad day when someone takes their life. Hopefully this blog will give you piece while sharing your thoughts with others!

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