The present – no, not a gift

grief 2 Minutes

Today is my birthday.

Remember when you were a kid and your birthday was THE best day of the year? Right next to Christmas?

I am not feeling that way today. And the prior days were not great either.

Yes – the present really sucks!!!!

I’m not upset that I am a year older. It doesn’t suck at all. It means I am getting a year closer to joining Nolan.

Five years ago the night of my birthday was when Nolan attempted suicide when he was at Purdue. Thankfully he did not succeed. Two days later he texted me what he had done, asking for help. That was how he told us he was depressed.

Prior to today I have been thinking a lot about what I assume we all have –

When are we going to get back to “normal”? When will we be done with physical distancing, where we can travel and see people without worrying about getting the virus? When will kids be able to attend school? Concerts and plays and movie theaters open?

When can Sam experience college the traditional way? – not only by his computer alone at home.

When you live everyday thinking about the future, a day with a big questionmark as to when “normal” will return, it is exhauting. When will we wake up and not have coronavirus and the pandemic be the headline day after day? What new record are we going to break today?

Living a life waiting for the future makes you anxious. And I have been having anxiety lately. Anxiety is not contagious but we sure live in a world where more people are experiencing it. My little patients and my big ones. Parents too. I can help as best as I can. But I can’t change how bad things are.

When a normal life in the future is too many months away and the present is not a great time, you think about the past. I try and think mainly about the good memories. But my mind is not kind and I think about the hard times with Nolan. I start to blame myself. Again.

Sorry this post is not giving you great words of encouragement.

I am like everyone else – somedays I have a heck of a time keeping my spirits up. I am not asking you to feel sorry or bad for me.

I wanted to put out there that sometimes birthdays are hard. And for some people Christmas time is hard too.

Oh – and one more thing…. please wear a mask.

Published by grievingdoctormom

I am a pediatrician practicing in the Midwest for the last 26 years. My life forever changed when my son took his life at age 19. I am learning to walk now as a grieving mother. I trust in God and continue on in my life. I still laugh and love with the help of my family and friends.

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8 thoughts on “The present – no, not a gift”

  1. My dearest Lisa,
    I share your grief and pray for you, your family and Nolan all the time. With much love on your birthday — Uncle Tom

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  2. You are speaking truth to us … your heart aches for Nolan … others of us have different issues to sadden us but we are all in this together … Blessed birthday

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  3. Lisa, you’ve been on my heart since you commented on my Bellagio flower display pic. The pain of loosing a loved one, especially a child is a crippling one! I follow your posts and the honesty and support you give is amazing! Giving your guilt, grief, anxiety, aching a place is important! I love that you share your heart, too often we post all the positive things and we ache/hurt/ and mourn alone; silence/our head can be so cruel, unkind, and loud! We give a perception of false ok’d-ness. Give yourself a little extra grace and self love (a run, a salt soak, a comedy or a tear jerker, loud dance music or soft soothing tunes). It’s your birthday, you can cry if you want to! Anxiety is a nasty lil devil and I know the times are so uncertain and exhausting w the onset of Coronavirus and the stress all of that has created, but I want to Thank you! Thank you for being an amazing Doctor, for taking time and being present, for following up and loving what you do! Thank you for peeling yourself off the ground some days (metaphorically speaking, I know 1st hand that anxiety and the darkness it brings can “face plant” you & try to keep you there by it’s heaviness) and bringing light to other’s darkness! Sending you a Special Birthday hug, the kind God and Nolan would give you, embraced by peace, comfort, release, and love!

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  4. Always thinking about you Lisa and the burden you carry with losing Nolan. It does not get easier the longer it goes. Please know that your family and friends are there for you and will help you through this. Hugs and prayers for you – and thank you for sharing a piece of your heart with us!

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