Today is my birthday.
Remember when you were a kid and your birthday was THE best day of the year? Right next to Christmas?
I am not feeling that way today. And the prior days were not great either.
Yes – the present really sucks!!!!
I’m not upset that I am a year older. It doesn’t suck at all. It means I am getting a year closer to joining Nolan.
Five years ago the night of my birthday was when Nolan attempted suicide when he was at Purdue. Thankfully he did not succeed. Two days later he texted me what he had done, asking for help. That was how he told us he was depressed.
Prior to today I have been thinking a lot about what I assume we all have –
When are we going to get back to “normal”? When will we be done with physical distancing, where we can travel and see people without worrying about getting the virus? When will kids be able to attend school? Concerts and plays and movie theaters open?
When can Sam experience college the traditional way? – not only by his computer alone at home.
When you live everyday thinking about the future, a day with a big questionmark as to when “normal” will return, it is exhauting. When will we wake up and not have coronavirus and the pandemic be the headline day after day? What new record are we going to break today?
Living a life waiting for the future makes you anxious. And I have been having anxiety lately. Anxiety is not contagious but we sure live in a world where more people are experiencing it. My little patients and my big ones. Parents too. I can help as best as I can. But I can’t change how bad things are.
When a normal life in the future is too many months away and the present is not a great time, you think about the past. I try and think mainly about the good memories. But my mind is not kind and I think about the hard times with Nolan. I start to blame myself. Again.
Sorry this post is not giving you great words of encouragement.
I am like everyone else – somedays I have a heck of a time keeping my spirits up. I am not asking you to feel sorry or bad for me.
I wanted to put out there that sometimes birthdays are hard. And for some people Christmas time is hard too.
Oh – and one more thing…. please wear a mask.