Six to eight weeks off from work? Ugh… I can’t be gone that long!
But I listened and was a good patient. I was not the doctor patient who thought my two cents of opinion equal my doctor’s years of experience.
So many people said “enjoy your time off!” “relax!” “you deserve it!”
Well maybe if it was a planned leave and I wasn’t frustrated with what happened I would have.
You see –
I blamed myself.
Silly ! Right? It was an accident- you can’t plan that.
But to me for the first three weeks of my leave I kept thinking I messed up. I believed no one would forgive me since I could not forgive myself…..
Then I realized there was no benefit in putting blame on the event. It happened and if I wanted to go back to normal – to walk normally, to go back to work, I had to put guilt aside and focus on healing.
Please understand, some of us left behind after suicide have guilt on many levels and apply it to many areas of our life. It took me the first weeks off to understand my guilt emotion gave me nothing. If I was to heal physically why did I allow guilt to hang around in my mind?
The next four weeks were different. Not only was I the eager patient following a regimen to heal my knee, I was focused on healing myself – my whole being.
I read. Not just pediatric journals. I read books about spirituality. About grief. I read Sam’s essay for school. I read about God. I visited with people. People I wanted to see for a while but never had the time. I got closer to my husband.
Right after Nolan passed I was not able to do any of that. It was too soon. I was living hour by hour back then, feeling crazy with the emotions of grief rolling circles in my head and learning to breathe and survive.
This time my knee injury made it easy to sit… to listen.. to heal … to just be.
Now I am starting my second week back to work. Am I different? Well I am still working on walking normal. I would say I am more spiritually focused. Emotionally – well we are coming to the holidays. Last year it was really hard. I expect some grief waves to come.
But I will keep healing.