Boy am I tired

Grief does a number on your body.

Not only do you feel your brain is muddled and confused and you replay past memories – both good and bad and over think your should-haves and could-haves- — your body suffers with grief.

Research on grief and its physical effects shows that grief can lower your immune system. And grief in the immediate days of onset can place stress on your heart.

I feel like I have aged double time since Nolan died.

I am so tired. Wiped. Yes I can do my job and do it very well (thank you compartmentalization) – but when I come home many nights I am spent.

Some days it takes a lot of energy to come out of my house of grief.

This past winter my immune system was challenged at work and I was sick much more than seasons past. Do I have an office full of cute beautiful germ holders!

Last week I caught a GI bug. It wiped me good. But as a good pediatric doctor since I did not have a fever and was not vomiting I came to work. I had almost an hour of violent chills in the middle of the night. That was a good time to work on my deep breathing. Do you remember the last time you had the chills? I mean your whole body shaking uncontrollably.

That hour I prayed to God that it would stop. I knew it eventually would but I still prayed to God for relief and strength.

Since I was up – of course –  I thought about Nolan. Did he feel helpless with his illness like I felt helpless with my horrible chills?

Did he ever pray to God for his healing? For strength?

I don’t know.

He told me he did not believe in God. Did he believe but then give up?

So many questions. But I know one thing…

I know he is in heaven. He is at peace. He is with my mom and dad and others who have passed. How do I know?

That is for another blog entry… and let me tell you, knowing what I do is sometimes the only thing that keeps me getting up in the morning.

I usually sleep well, but sometimes I wake up and am still so tired………..